


I’m Lost, Man

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Eventual Smut, Galra Keith (Voltron), Gay Keith (Voltron), I shouldn’t be embarrassed writing these I’ve read much worse, I still am tho, Idk what else to put but I feel like there’s more, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Keith’s Alien C O C K, Lance thirsts after Keith’s hot Galra dick, M/M, Self-Lubrication, Xenophilia, pining lance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-21 16:25:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14918802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: While Coran, Pidge, and Keith are hanging out, Coran decides to dig out one of the old biology books he used when he tutored kids in the castle. It just so happens that there’s a whole section dedicated to alien genitalia. After nineteen years of living in blissful ignorance, Keith is brought to the sudden conclusion that he does not at all have a human dick, so he goes to who he thinks is the resident dick expert; Lance.





	1. Is My Dick Weird??

**Author's Note:**

> For reference: Keith is 19 and Lance is 18 and Keith’s message will be bolded, Lance will be in italics bc Keith is B O L D A N D B R A S H and Lance is a smooth motherfucker

Keith was freaking the fuck out— he was two seconds away from having a mini panic attack at that point.

 

It was a relatively normal conversation that lead into it. Him and the rest of the team were just  hanging out in the common room. After an hour or so, most of the team had filtered out of the room - Hunk and Lance went off to try out some recipes from a cook book they had found, and Allura and shiro has gone to do whatever it was that they did - and Keith had been left alone with Coran and Pidge.

 

Obviously, conversation is hard to keep going among three people who barely know each other, despite being in space together for what felt like forever, but was really only a year or so.

 

Because of this fact, Coran came up with the truly ingenious idea to pull out some of the books he used when he used to do tutoring lessons in the castle. You know, when the castle was still part of a kingdom that wasn’t full of dead citizens.

 

It was all fun and games until Pidge managed to flip to chapter four, which was pleasantly titled “IV: The Many Different Kinds of Reproductive Organs You May Come Across in the Vastness of Space.” A bit of a lengthy name, but it got the point across.

 

Immediately, everyone’s interest was peaked, and Pidge started flipping through until the found a page on Altean genitals. The two humans in the room poked fun at him a bit but quickly got back to exploring the book.

 

Keith was enjoying himself for a bit, until they found themselves on a page that just so happened to be the header for a whole  _section_ in Galra dick.

 

Pidge flipped the page so fast she almost got fucking whiplash, and Keith scrambled to stop her before she got the chance to start reading.

 

”Keith, holy shit—“ She snorted, grinning as he pushed him away with her foot and held the book above her head to read it.

 

”Don’t! It’s not— that’s not—“ Keith whined and grabbed at her shorts, attempting to tug her down. “Pidge,  _please_ do not do this to me, I’m begging you—“

 

Coran quickly snatched the book up, eyes going wide when he looked at the provided images in the book. Granted, they were only illustrations, but they were still very detailed, and it didn’t quite help that Coran was a sputtering mess, even after having the experience of being in Keith’s shoes under his belt.

 

”Good lord, Keith, I’ve heard that Galra weren’t exactly normal by any standards, but...” he paused, glancing at the picture before he looked at Keith and his furry self, “I had no idea they were this different from Alteans— Humans, even!”

 

Keith made a distressed-angry noise and snatched the book up after escaping from under Pidge’s surprisingly strong legs, before rushing off down the hall to his room, where he proceeded to  _definitely_ not break down in a small fit of tears. Baby tears.

 

After his minor mental breakdown, he was pretty okay, until he opened the book back up to the page crinkled from their previous conflict, and relived the entire experience.

 

To be completely honest, Keith didn’t quite have the heart to do anything other than look at the images provided.

 

On the page in front of him was a detailed drawing of a dick that featured a terrifying gradient from  a deep violet color that was probably considered healthy by Galra standards, to a bright-ass pink that rivaled the highlighters that Iverson insisted everyone bring to lectures every day; spines that ranged from the size of Keith’s pinky finger to the tiny fangs that were still growing in to replace his formerly human canines; a large knob on the base of his cock right under where the biggest spine was growing in; and to top it all off, there was an arrow pointing to a slightly discolored patch under the smallest spine, closer to the tip, that read “Fortunately for their mates, most male Galra have patches like these that produce an abundance of natural lubricant called ‘slick’ when the spines, often being called ‘barbs’ instead, are stimulated. Luckily, these ‘barbs’ are typically used as a method of self-pleasure, and fold down during sex.”

 

Keith, seeing as he had never exactly seen a human dick before,  didn’t know what was normal. So, he did what he thought was sensible, and wiggled his jeans down, snapped a picture of his dick, which was alarmingly similar to the one in the book, and sent it to Lance, whom he figured more knew more about sex - be it Alien or not - than Keith probably ever would, right along with the picture from the book.

 

[8:42 PM]

 

**> I’m lost, man, I don’t know what to fucking do. **

**> Is my dick weird???**

 


	2. Explosive Cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Understandably, Lance is a little bit surprised when he gets a random dick pic from his “rival.” Not bad surprised, though. Not completely bad surprised. After finally gathering up the courage to answer Keith with what he thinks is a good enough answer, effectively ripping Keith out of his panic-fueled trance and making him realize fully what the fuck he had just done.

Lance was tempted to believe that he was dreaming at that point.

 

He was having a good time, helping Hunk with some new recipes he’d found in a book the day before, when—

 

“Ugh, hang on man, Keith’s texting me again. He texts like such an old person..” Lance huffed softly and picked his phone up off the table, snickering when he saw Hunk trip and almost drop a bowl of batter out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Just— yeah, okay, be back soon. These things apparently explode if they get above a certain temperature, and— Thanks...” Hunk sighed and rolled his eyes. Lance was already out the kitchen door.

 

Slowly, Lance pulled out his phone and pulled up the contact labeled “NEVER ANSWER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES AAAA.” (The four A’s were so that his contact would be first in his communicator. Not his idea)

 

He all but choked when he saw what was definitely a dick. As... weird as it was.

 

[8:42 PM]

 

**> [Image Sent!]**

**> [Image Sent!]**

**> I’m lost, man, I don’t know what to do**

**> Is my dick weird???**

 

Quickly, Lance came to the realization that that wasn’t a weird dildo, that was, in fact, Keith’s Weird Galra Dick. Wow.

 

What— how does one respond in this situation? What are you supposed to say to the guy that just sent you a picture of his weird alien cock? 

 

Worse than that; how do you respond to that person wen you get more than a little turned on by his aforementioned weird alien cock?

 

[8:42 PM]

 

**> [Image Sent!]**

**> [Image Sent!]**

**> I’m lost, man, I don’t know what to do**

**> Is my dick weird???**

[8:56 PM]

 

_> Wtf????_

_> Dude, when did I ever ask to see that???????_

_> Why did you need to ask me? Didn’t you have like,,, a health class or something where they taught you this??_

 

It was only when Keith’s phone buzzed with Lance’s very confused and concerned texts did he realize the full severity of what he’d done.

 

[8:57 PM]

 

**> HOLY FUCK**

**> IM SO SORRY**

**> I PANICKED**

**> FUCKING KILL ME PLEASE**

 

Lance opened his phone again and snorted, running a han back through his hair as he wandered down the hall and into his room, being sure to lock the door behind him and send a quick message Hunk’s way to let him know that he wouldn’t be able to help with his possibly explosive cookies

 

[8:57 PM]

 

_> Dude relax it’s chill. I’m just a lil confused as to why you came to me with this but you’re good_

 

**> Oh thank fuck I got really scared that you wouldn’t want to talk to me**

**> I’m still sorry**

 

_> Just relax. _

_> Still tho,,,, why?????? Why me??_

 

Keith stared down at his phone with a distraught expression. How do you answer that? How do you tell someone that you sent them a picture of your dick because you thought they were a man-whore who had seen every dick in the universe?

 

[9:00 PM]

 

_> Hello??? You alive in there??_

 

**> Yup sorry don’t mind me just dying on the inside**

 

Lance laughed again and sighed, rubbing his eyes.

 

_> You gonna answer or no?_

 

**> At this point I don’t even know how to**

 

Lance sighed, stretching out as he  looked back up to study the pictures a bit harder than he had previously.

 

_> Your dick doesn’t look too weird to me. Not by Galra standards._

 

**> That’s not what I meant dipshit**

 

_> Then what did you mean? You gotta be specific, Keithy, because I have a shit ton of answers for you. Most of them good._

 

Good. That was a good thing. That Lance said good. Right? Right. 

 

**> Ok well uh,,,,**

**> What’s like, the most concerning thing about it to you? Coran said that some people have cosmetic surgery**

 

_> The barbs or whatever the fuck look pretty terrifying but honesty it would be exciting to have that inside you so yknow_

_> It doesn’t look that bad_

_> Honestly_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dude this is doing a lot better than I expected it to and it ain’t even doing that good thanks m8 I tried to write more this chapter but I’m writing this while my phone is at 4% and I’m about to go work on my lines for a drama thing sO—


	3. What.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know how Keith was panicking? Well, thanks to Lance’s probably stupid answer, that whole mess is multiplied by, like, eight hundred. Which is fantastic. Anyways; Keith panics, Lance says dumb shit, welcome to misunderstandings!

What. What the fuck. What the actual fucking fuck did Lance just say. 

 

**> Hey buuuud. **

**> Are you sure you’re like,, okay? Mentally? Did you take a weird pill from Coran again**

 

_> First of all, fuck you, you said you wouldn’t mention that ever again _

_> Second of all I’m preeeeetty sure Coran will never do that again _

_> I humped his leg, dude _

_> That’s traumatizing enough, I don’t think he needs more_

_> No matter how gorgeous I am ;);););););););)))))) haha kill me_

 

Keith snorted and shook his head. This was going a lot better than he’d expected, to be completely honest. Lance still didn’t know why he’d texted him, but honestly, he didn’t have to know. Ever, if things went well.

 

_> If you need, I’m always open to coming down there and showing you what a human dick looks like ;)_

 

Nope. Right back to freaking out. What? That didn’t even seem like Lance was kidding. How could Lance not be kidding about this? _This_ was weird as fuck.

 

Meanwhile, in the midst of Keith’s freaking out, Lance had taken He time to study the picture a bit more, and decided that he _definitely_  wanted that inside him.

 

_> You okay???_

 

**> N o**

 

_> Ok cool just checking_

_> Is that a yes or no? _

_> On the “showing you” thing_

_> Because I’m like actually open to that _

_> Just like _

_> Name a place _

 

Keith stared down at his phone in disbelief.

 

**> Are you fucking serious??**

**> Like,, no joke?**

**> You’d be 100% down for that? **

**> No jokes or anything **

 

Lance rolled his eyes and sighed, shaking his head. Poor Keith. Poor, dumb, skeptical, anxious Keith.

 

_> Absolutely dude_

_> I’m assuming I’d be your first?_

_> That’s like, every guy’s dream_

_> I’m not kidding_

 

Keith, once again, stared down at his phone. Had he died and gone to sex heaven? Is that what this was? Keith decided to fuck it. If he was dead, he never wanted to come back.

 

**> Yeah ok**

**> Can you come to my room, or?**

 

_> Yup_

_> Wow_

_> Holy fuck _

_> Now I’m the one freaking out_

_> I bet your dick is even more fun in person ;) _

_> Gimme like 10 minutes _

_> Christ_

 

Keith Let out a strangled laugh, his phone quickly falling out of his hands as he scrambled to make himself look like less of a mess.

 

He and Lance were going to have sex. 

 

Wow.

**Author's Note:**

> Hoo boy thanks for reading this hot mess. This is the first thing I’ve written for Klance, despite the fact that I love it to death, and it doesn’t help that it’s pure sin. I don’t have a beta reader for this so like,,, if you see any mistakes or any of that, feel free to lemme know however you see fit.


End file.
